Catching Up!

Well, it’s been a long time for this girl to be out of the blog world! Between final projects, conferences, tests, portfolios, and having a social life, I haven’t had a spare second to sit down and write a blog. However, I have had lots happen during all that time!

Let’s see, I participated in my last Future Ag Leaders Conference as an Ag Ambassador a couple of weeks ago. It was an amazing experience and I am so blessed to be able to serve in this capacity. Sure, sometimes I get tired and being a senior does make it a little hard to stay focused on it after three years but I can honestly say I wouldn’t be the person I am today if I hadn’t stuck it out as an ambassador. I have grown so much in so many aspects of my life and I have made some of the best friends a girl could ask for while doing it.

After Thanksgiving I came back for Dead Week, aka Not-So-Dead Week. It was one of the most stressful and longest weeks of my life. I had projects due like crazy and the pressure of wanting to hang out with everyone as much as possible before the break. But, that quickly came and passed as well and then it was time for Finals!

I had to make an “A” on one final to get an “A” in the class. I spent a whole afternoon studying. I didn’t leave school for almost 12 hours…didn’t eat, didn’t take a break, nothing. I was feeling pretty confident about my final and I was just hoping I could make a good enough grade to get that “A.” I sat down and my professor says, “I made a mistake on your grade. You already have an A.” Excuse me? Did that really just happen? Yes, I was relieved to not have to take the final but I definitely could have spent that afternoon doing more productive things…like sleeping. :)

But now, it’s the end of Finals week and it’s time for people to start leaving. The town is already getting quieter and I am beginning to be the only student left in Ag Hall. I’m not gonna lie, I’m looking forward to the silence. I could use a good break.

As for everything else, people are always changing and this year has been one of the most challenging years for me as far as friendships go. I still have my best girls and I know that I will always have them but others that I thought would be friends for life are beginning to distance themselves and I have done all I can do about it. I have to let it go. But…here is a song that I have been rocking out to lately and kind of explains all of the hot mess that has become some of my friendships.

Getting Older by Green River Ordinance
Give me time and give me space
After all the years here
Survey says we've lost our way
Remember back when we were young
It was easier to love
Now we are falling

I don't wanna spend my life running scared of what we're becoming
It's never what they told ya I guess we're getting older
I don't spend my life waiting watching while we all keep changing
I guess we're getting older; I guess we're getting older

It's been so long here trying to mend
The cracks we've falling in
Still they slip from under our feet
And we're falling fast we're falling

I don't wanna spend my life running scared of what we've becoming
It's never what they told ya I guess we're getting older
I don't spend my life waiting watching while we all keep changing
I guess we're getting older; I guess we're getting older oh

I don't wanna spend my life running scared of what we're becoming
I guess we're getting older I guess we're getting older

Oh (don't)
Oh (don't)
Oh (don't)
Oh-oh

I don't wanna spend my life running scared of what we've become
It's never what they told ya I guess we're getting older
I don't spend my life waiting watching while we all keep changing
I guess we're getting older; I guess we're getting older

Oh (don't)
Oh (don't go)
Oh (don't go)
Oh (don't go)
Oh (don't go)
Oh (don't)
Oh-oh

Its a restless world...

I'm so restless with people right now it isn't even funny. I'm tired of the double standards, the hypocrites, and the ridiculousness that comes along with both.

I really didn't think that people in college were so immature but unfortunately there are a few. I don't care about the mindless drama and gossip that people get so caught up in. I don't like how one person can be so rude and inconsiderate to one person and then the complete opposite to someone else.

Also, I'm sick of people lying straight to my face. Really? Grow up. If you have a problem, say it to my face. I promise I'm strong enough to take it.

Re-inspired.

Sometimes, things in your life just work out. We had a guest speaker in my Ag Policy class today (a class that I usually despise) and I became re-inspired. I had worked with the speaker during my internship and it was great to hear him talk about pieces of legislation that I had worked with as well.

I re-discovered my passion for legislation...not politics, not policy, but for helping farmers and agriculturalists through the government system. Through writing these works or through lobbying for them, you can help so many people and keep the rights of agriculturalists protected.

I know now without a doubt that I want an internship with the company our speaker works for. I wasn't too sure about it before today but I was so excited to see him and I know that it is what I want.

It feels great to feel so sure about something that I was so unsure of for so long.

Another great day, soon to be followed by a great weekend full of football, family, and friends. :)

Life goes on.

Its hard to believe but five years ago today my grandfather, aka Pepa, passed away to esophageal cancer. It basically went from diagnosis to almost recovery to passing away in six short months.

I can still remember many things about him. The way he smelled. The way he felt. The way he smiled. Even the way he talked. Some of my favorite memories of him include him painting my sister's and I's toenails while we sat on his lap. Or jumping on the trampoline while he sang "Row, row, row your boat." (His own rendition of course.) Or the time I had the chicken pox and stayed at the house with him and Mema. Or the chocolate long johns that he always brought to me and sis when we stayed the night. Or the baby chicks in the sun room. Or his dogs, Annie and Festus, which I loved as my own. Or the cherry tree he gave me to plant in the garden. Or the pride he instilled in me for Oklahoma 4-H program. Just to name a few. :)

But even those memories aren't good enough sometimes. I still feel like I would give anything to have one more day with him or the chance to say goodbye.

I was only 16 years old when my Pepa passed away. Its hard to imagine how different my life would be if he was still with us. He would have been at my high school graduation. He would get to see me walk across that stage in Gallagher-Iba Arena...knowing I was carrying on his cowboy tradition. He would have been at my sister's wedding. I would be able to dance with him at mine. I know I shouldn't get caught up in the "what might have been's" but its hard not to on days like today.

But life must go on. And here we are five years later, still left wondering how it even happened. Loving and missing you Pepa.

Sometimes your dreams just don't work out...

You know when your life starts spinning out of control and you don't know what to do to stop it. That seems to be me right now.

I feel like I'm losing so much ground with my friends. I don't know what to do about it or how to fix it and I can't seem to tell them how I really feel. Isn't this the point in my life where I am supposed to have my friends that I can lean on forever?

Maybe I'm just now figuring out who I really am and I don't fit in where I used to.

Maybe I just take everything way too personal.

Either way, I need to figure this out and fix it...and soon.

Just a restless girl, on a restless night.

I'm beginning to think that I am restless with life right now. Usually, I hate and despise change. I would even say that I go out of my way to avoid it. But lately, I have been seeking out change...looking for deliberate things in my life that I can shake up just to see what happens.

This past week I have considered another new haircut, brown highlights, dyeing my hair black, changing the spelling of my name, colored contacts, wearing only mascara, wearing heels everyday, changing jobs, and switching majors...again.

Now, I realize those are all very small changes to some people, but for me, the change-hater, these are life altering decisions.

I'm not sure why I have the sudden urge to change everything in my life that I possibly can right now. I think part of it is because I have decided to be who I want to be without worrying if I offend certain people.

So hopefully, I can get some of this restlessness out of my system before too long...or it is going to be a long semester.

One of those days...

Have you ever had one? One of those days where you just can't stand to be around people.

Well, today is one for me.

Work has been so frustrating today. I just want to go home and not deal with people or anything that comes with them. Is that too much to ask?

I have a headache and I don't feel good. I don't think it is too much.

Anyway...I'm counting down until five o'clock when I can cuddle up in pj's with Aspen and a good book.

Fate? Is that you?

So I'm not a real big believer in fate, horoscopes, (yes, I still check it almost daily lol) and all that stuff but the other day I read this in my horoscope...

"Turn 'I wish' into 'I will' and 'I can't' into 'I can.' Don't you think it's about time you started taking yourself seriously? So stop telling yourself that your plans, hopes and desires are silly. Don't dismiss what your soul is trying to tell you. Listen to your secret wishes and see where they lead you. Now is the time. Who knows? You might be about to start one heck of an incredible journey."

For some reason this really hit me. I'm a senior in college. And it is time I start acting like it. I'm not saying that I'm going to be a super serious person and not do anything fun anymore like go out when I have a paper due that week but it is time for me to get serious about life.

Pretty soon I will be graduating and I will have to grow up. I need to make the most of the time I have left at school!

So its time to start listening to my heart and stop worrying about others so much...this year could get interesting! :)

Really random.

Last weekend was amazing! My friends came into town to help me celebrate my very belated 21st birthday. My mentor, Maggie, came to show me the ropes and she did an excellent job. The night included: Margaritas at El Vaq (delicious), The Cricket, The Penny, Willie's, karaoke, Spice Girls, Limey's, creepy compliments, dancing, weird old people, and best friends. It was so so so much fun! I can't wait for everyone to be back in this college town for good. :)

Also, I randomly ran upon this song today. I think it pretty much sums up how I'm feeling right now...except for the being 33 part lol. Enjoy!

Middle Ground
Mary Chapin Carpenter

For years she's lived on her own
In a corner of the city
Twice a year she gets back home
Playing catch-up with the family

She tells her folks what they need to know
Her mother says she's much too thin
Her sisters ask about her beau
Her dad inquires, how's business been

She's thirty-three this time around
She's always been real good at listening
Her sense of humor never lets her down
Except sometimes there's something missing

Hey, middle ground
A place between up and down
She could be safe and sound
Oh, to know middle ground

For years she's been on her guard
She's kind of tense around the shoulders
She wonders why she works so hard
She counts the days 'til they promote her

She'll take a weekend now and then
To stay in bed and watch the reruns
She'll turn the phone off when guilt sets in
But Sunday always kinda leaves her let down

Hey, middle ground; a place between up and down
She could be safe and sound; oh, to know middle ground

She gave her heart away one time, and says that she hasn't seen it since
Love's a puzzle in her mind; the pieces match, but don't quite fit; hey...
And these days run thick or thin
It never rains, or else it's pouring
All her single friends are men
She thinks married girls are so damn boring

Hey, middle ground; a place between up and down
She could be safe and sound; oh, to know middle ground
Hey, middle ground; a place between up and down
She could be safe and sound; oh, to know middle ground
Oh, to know middle ground; oh, to know middle ground

Home Sweet Home...I think?

When does your hometown and your house with your parents not become home anymore? I have lived "out on my own" for the last two years. I use the term "out on my own" lightly because my parents are generous enough to help me out....a lot. My sister and brother-in-law help me out as well...which is also very nice of them.

But, I do have my own house. I'm responsible for doing my laundry, cleaning, cooking, and taking care of my own schedule. Granted not all of those get done all the time but still its my responsibility.

When am I no longer allowed to drive home and bring two weeks worth of laundry to do? I guess I just need to know at what age is that not appropriate anymore lol. I realize that my Mom and Dad will always want me to come home and visit...its just a matter of growing up that I don't bring laundry and projects for them to help me with.

Since I have my own place and I live in Stillwater away from my parent's house, is it still my home? I still consider it my home. But when do I change the phone number in my phone from "Home" to "Mom and Dad?" It is confusing. I will have to decide that one later on down the road because I can't justify changing it right now.

So, I guess in a way, that little farm three miles east of Perry, America, will always be home.

I'm back!

Wow. Its been awhile since this girl has been in the blog world. But, I have to say...the time away was amazing. So what happened?

Well, I finally went on my trip to Ireland! I absolutely fell in love with the country. The people were so nice. The weather was awesome. And I learned so much.

Its kind of hard to sum up 12 days in a different country but some of the highlights were:

~ The first night we went out in Galway. My first time to be "clubbing" and lets just say...its a night I will never forget.
~ Jameson Whiskey was one of my favorite tours.
~ You can look at as many pictures as you want but you won't realize the beauty of the Cliffs of Moher until you go there.
~ A "full Irish breakfast" is a little much after awhile.
~ I kissed the Blarney Stone. Its still up in the air whether I got the "gift of blarney" or not.
~ Irish dairies look a lot like American ones.
~ Waterford crystal is gorgeous. And expensive.
~ Castles are amazing. I want to live in one.
~ Irish stud farms are where all the hot guys are. Just saying.
~ The Irish Derby was by far my favorite, even though I didn't bet anything.
~ There are actual legit deer farmers in Ireland.
~ They really do eat that many potatoes.
~ The scenery is as gorgeous as you think it would be...if not more.
~ Its called the land of 40 shades of green for a reason.

I'm sure there is much much more I could say about my trip...but I think I've gone on long enough. But...here are some pictures just cause. :)

I'm stuck inside this rut that I fell into by mistake.

Last night I went for a drive to just get out and clear my head. I had to think about some things and I just couldn’t focus at my house.

You know that feeling you get when you are completely over something and then all of the sudden---wham! You are right back in the place you never thought you would be again.

That is what happened to me this weekend. All of the sudden it was like I was stuck in this rut and couldn’t get out. Maybe that is why I drove for an hour…to feel like I was going somewhere.

I realized that I have to let go of what some people are holding onto. And it is going to be harder than I thought.

Breakfast at Tiffany's.

The Rooms and I watched Breakfast at Tiffany’s this weekend. I love love love this movie. Actually, I love most old romance movies. Meet Me in St. Louis. Easter Parade. My Fair Lady. Sabrina. Funny Face. I love them all.

Sometimes, I stay up late on Saturday nights and watch the old black and white movies on OETA. Dorky…I know lol.

But, as I was watching this great movie, I realized…I was born in the completely wrong time period. I love the time period of the 20’s to the 50’s. The hairstyles, the music, the clothes…Everything.

It was such an exciting time. It was such a simpler time. I love looking at old pictures like these and thinking about their lives.









I really didn’t learn to embrace this until recently and I think it is a good thing.

So, I’m adding to my list for the summer. I want to watch as many old movies as I can. Preferably ones that I haven’t seen but I may throw in a classic like Breakfast at Tiffany’s every once in awhile. ;)

Wishing and hoping and thinking and praying.

Do you ever wish something away? I have done it plenty of times and every time it comes up and bites me.

Senior year of high school was the first time in my life that I wished away everything. I was counting down the days until I didn’t have to step foot into Perry High School ever again. I quit tennis my senior year because I was elected a Northwest District Secretary in 4-H and I thought it would be too much to handle. I rarely spoke to anyone outside of my group of friends. And I didn’t participate in Powder Puff, Homecoming, and almost Prom. Looking back, I should have done all of those things instead of day dreaming of how great college would be and how good it would be to never see half those people again.

But did I learn from this? No. I went and wished away the last semester of my freshman year of college.

From the first week in my dorm, I loved college. Loved it. So much freedom and really no one to answer too. Sure, mom and dad always called to check in and I knew I would have some explaining to do if I didn’t have good grades but it was jus t different. My first semester was amazing. Really it was. But I failed to branch out and make new friends. I realize now how much I missed out on then. Second semester came too fast. But by then, I found out who my true friends were and I didn’t know how I would ever live without them. But when dead week came and finals were dreadfully getting closer and closer, I began to wish. Wished for it to be summer. Wished to be home and away from drama. Wished to have my own bathroom and kitchen that I didn’t have to share. Wished to live in a real house and not just a dorm room. Now, being a senior, I would go back and live that year over in a heartbeat. Sure, I would do some stuff differently…but ultimately, it was the best year of college so far.

And once again, I have found myself in the same situation. I wished away a great experience, opportunity, and internship.

My internship is officially over. I know I have blogged about it before but I can’t seem to get this topic off my mind. I started back at my job as a student worker in Stillwater today. I love my job but I can’t help but feel a little sad. This is what I have been counting down the days to get back to? It just doesn’t seem the same. Maybe I have grown up. Maybe I just don’t like change. Either way, it made me realize how much I wished away my internship. I was counting down the days for summer, for this job, to be in my own house, to be back in Stillwater. And now that it’s here…I’m not sure it is that great. I know things will get better with my BFFL working in the same building and with other friends being in town…it is just a little hard to take right now.

So that is my new goal (along with many others for the summer lol). I won’t wish away my senior year. Yes, I’m sure I will get annoyed and restless with classes, classmates, homework, professors and even friends…but I’m not going to let that get in the way of enjoying my last year….I won’t be wishing it away.

All good things must come to an end.

I can't believe it but my internship is almost over. Next week is my last week at the capitol and I will be back in Stillwater for the summer.

This internship was one of the hardest, toughest, most life-changing, great things I have ever had to do in my life. As many of my family and friends know, I had my ups and downs. The first week was definitely the hardest. That seems so long ago now.

I learned so much about myself while I was living in Oklahoma City. I learned how much I love being a student and that I really need to take advantage of it while I can. I have the rest of my life to work. :)

I learned who are my true friends. There are some that I can call them when I get back into town and its like no time has passed...others, I have to be with them constantly. I love them all though.

I learned, a little bit, about driving in OKC. I'm still not great but I think that I have definitely improved.

I learned how valuable a good impression is. I have had the opportunity to meet a lot of people and make a lot of really great friends that will only help me later on in life.

This internship was amazing. I learned so much about Oklahoma legislature, agriculture issues, and how to keep involved with both after I leave the capitol. Overall, it was a great experience and I wouldn't trade it for anything. :)

Schools out for summer.

Today was my last day of junior year in college. I honestly can't believe that I have been in college for three years already. It seems like just yesterday I was starting out as a freshman. I can remember my first night in the dorms. I didn't know anybody and I was in bed by 10:30 p.m. Looking back, I laugh about that so much. After that night, I don't think I went to bed before midnight ever lol. I also may or may not have carried my laptop to class on the first day. Yes, this is embarrassing...but I think it just proves how everyone makes silly mistakes as a freshman.

I also realized today that I actually miss something from high school. I know, hard to believe but its true lol. In high school, on the last day of school you get to see everyone one last time before leaving for summer. People are taking pictures, signing yearbooks and getting each others cell numbers before the three month separation. Its basically a big celebration.

Today being my last day of school wasn't anything special. I worked all day and only saw a handful of my friends before they left for summer break. Yes...I love the friends that I did get to see today but there were so many more that I wanted to see before they left.

This is probably the only thing I would change about finals week if I could. I want there to be one big goodbye! I miss saying goodbye to people and seeing them one last time before the summer.

But, summer will be great and I am so excited for it...even if it is a little bittersweet. :)

We are family.

Today my grandparents came to visit me at work because all of the interns were being recognized on the Senate floor. When I saw my Grandma, Papa, and Mema sitting in my office, I realized how lucky I am to have them in my life. My grandparents drove an hour to see me get a piece of paper and be on the floor for about 2 minutes. Granted, it was neat to be in there and be recognized, I would have understood if they couldn't come.

It was during today that I realized how much I miss my Pepa. I will post more about him later but it really hit me today that he won't see me graduate from college. He won't by at my wedding. I won't get to talk about Ireland with him, since he went as well. I miss him so much.

Be good to yourself, when nobody else will.

So...Summer 2009 is quickly approaching and I am looking forward to it! It is the last summer before my "first" senior year and I am going to make the most of it. I've made a list of books I want to read. Around 15 so far and I know I probably won't get through them all but it is nice to have an idea of where to start.

I am also going to Ireland for a study abroad. I can't wait to get over there and see the way they live. I'm pumped for drinking in Irish pubs, meeting Irish guys, and learning about their agricultural practices.

I've already picked out 2 pictures that I would like to paint before the summer is over. I haven't painted in months and I'm looking forward to getting back into it again.

I'm going to Billy Bob's with my girls and I'm so so so excited to go to Texas. I love it!

Also, this is my last summer with most of my other senior friends. I'm gonna make the most of it :) There will never be another time like this. Sure, I'm working full time and I'm looking at getting a second job but I will never have another opportunity to stay up until 2 o'clock in the morning to pull a prank on the boys at the beef barn or go lay out and tan at the pool at the Colvin with the girls.

So here is to a great summer and living it up with my friends, doing what I want, and making it a summer to remember!

Hold on when you feel like letting go, Hold on it gets better than you know.

I'm growing up. I don't think it was any more obvious than it was this weekend. I was talking to two of my friends, we'll call them Cappie and Rebekah (In honor of me not being able to watch Greek tonight). Now Cappie sees this other girl that he likes, Casey. He goes over and tells her to come to our little group of people and hang out. While he is gone Rebekah tells me, Oh my gosh! Cappie likes her so much. He has the biggest crush on her. So, after hearing that, I'm expecting them to talk and for Cappie to even ask her to dance or something. But no, Casey ends up standing outside the group the whole time and I never even got introduced to her. I felt so bad for her. So, if Cappie really likes her so much then why didn't he talk to her? That is what grown ups do. If you like someone, you have to make a move. You can't just sit there wishing and hoping that something will someday happen. If you do that you will waste your whole life.

Now, that being said, I am not the best at putting myself out there lol. Actually, I might be one of the worst. But that is why I think I am finally growing up. I can't take the "Oh, I think I like so and so." or "I know that so and so is one of my friends but I think there is something more." I can't take it anymore. I'm sick of people trying to make something out of nothing.

I'm waiting for that ah-hah moment. I know that sounds stupid but I'm waiting for that moment when I see someone and it just clicks. I haven't met that person that challenges me to be a better person. Or calls me out on my mistakes. Or who doesn't doubt my toughness. Or has the courage to treat me like an independent woman. I'm holding out for that.

Also, I went to Calf Fry for the 3rd year straight this weekend and realized that next year is more than likely my last year to go. While this is sad, I think I am okay with it. I mean, I had a blast seeing my friends and hanging out with people but I also remember my sister when I was a freshmen. She was a senior and could always be found at the back of the crowd, mingling and listening to music. I couldn't understand why she didn't want to be on the 2nd row of the crowd where I was with my friends. Where was I at Calf Fry this year? I was at the back of the crowd, mingling and listening to music. And I was being asked by younger classmates to go to the front and I found that I didn't want to. I've outgrown that stage of my life. Leave the crowd fighting, people pushing, and getting there at 6:30 to get a good spot to the freshmen. I'll be in the back...growing up.

I love being an Aggie.

“For of all gainful professions, nothing is better, nothing more pleasing, nothing more delightful, nothing better becomes a well-bred man than agriculture”

Tonight, I went out to dinner with most of the Senators on the Agriculture Committee. It was amazing. They talked about current issues in agriculture from water to livestock production to puppy mills to teeth floating. I was in complete awe at how knowledgeable they all were. It also surprised me how they didn't let political party get in the way. Sure they have different opinions, but that doesn't stop them from discussing the issues that affect their constituents.

Later on they began reminiscing on the times at the capitol when they could smoke on the Senate floor. Many Senators carried guns with them in the capitol. And liquor and beer were served while they would be debating in the chamber. I can only imagine what being at the capitol was like then. It was a different time. Sure, it is amazing now but I can't help but wonder what it would be like then.

Also, I just love the people that are involved in agriculture. I was called "sweetie" or "miss" or "honey" the whole night. Most girls would find this offensive but I knew that they were just doing it because it is how they were raised. And I was the only girl there out of ten men. I know that sounds kind of creepy or awkward but it was by far one of the most memorable evenings of my life.

I am so lucky to be surrounded by people with the same values and thoughts about agriculture and I love it.

Oh, and I tried lamb fries for the first time. Or more like I was teased until I had some. :)

I hate days like this.

I hate days where you wake up and think, when did everything change? I hate change. Hate it. Usually in the end, it is for the best but I will wait as long as possible to accept it. Sometimes being away is the hardest thing for me. But I know that this internship is a great experience and I can't let what I am missing out on get me down. And I can't let one person affect how I feel and what I do with my life. Sure, its hard. Really hard. But people change and things fall apart. Friendships change. You lose some. You gain some. Its hard when someone that you thought you knew so well (maybe more than you knew yourself) turns out to be the complete opposite. People become who they want to become. Sure, everyone makes mistakes and they do things they regret but ultimately everyone knows what they are doing. If they are rude, they meant it. If they blow you off, they meant it. If they don't call, they don't want to talk to you. People know what they are doing. I just have to try to accept it.

Nothing makes a girl smile more...

...Than a guy hitting on her at lunch. Today I went out for lunch with two ladies that I work with because we were celebrating one of their birthdays. As we sat down at the table, I look up and see a really cute blond guy with blue eyes. Unfortunately he wasn't our waiter but none the less, he came over to our table to "check on things" as the manager of the restaurant. We both smiled and he says, Hi...How are you doing today? We both make a little small talk and then he asked if I work at the capitol (it is like right across the street) I said Yeah, but only for this session. And he said, Well, maybe I will see you again before the end of session. And gave a gorgeous smile. So, it is in my plans now to go back again before the end of session lol.

Also, I had a great weekend with my family. I dyed eggs with my sister and brother-in-law which was so fun! And then throwing them over the fence was just as great. It was nice to hang out with them and just relax for a little bit without stressing over school or anything. Also, I realized I spend most of my time recently in the car driving or packing. Both of these suck, mostly the packing. Anyways, living out of a suitcase is getting old. But, I'm looking forward to going back to good ole Stilltown tomorrow and see some friends I haven't seen in awhile!

You better think of something, think of something real fast, I ain't stopping you anymore...

So recently, I had an epiphany if you will, and I decided to start living for myself. I had fallen into this rut where I was living for someone else and I really don't know how I fell into this but I finally decided to change it. Once I made this decision, I immediately felt better. I was holding onto this for so long and I didn't want to let go because I was afraid that I wouldn't be able to have a life if I did. But, I felt so so so so much better afterwards! Its amazing how cutting something (or someone) out of your life can be such a relief. Other things in my life have already started falling into place. Like once I had decided to let go of the bad...the rest left too.

Also, I have been learning to love my internship more everyday. I have been giving such a great opportunity to meet so many people and make so many connections. I need to take advantage of it while I can.

And I'm recovering from a great weekend. I had the most fun that I have had in a while and I got to hang out with some people that are pretty amazing. Hopefully this upcoming weekend will be even better!

It finally clicked.

Today, I went to the weekly devotional lunch at my workplace. I have been going with my aunt since I started and I have really enjoyed it but today it just clicked...

Of course, with it being St. Patrick's Day, the speaker talked about St. Patrick and his life story. Now, he was the son of a clergyman and the grandson of a pastor. So he came from a very religious family. But despite his upbringing, he didn't have a close relationship with God. St. Patrick was taken away by the Irish when he was only 16 to be enslaved for 8 years. While he was enslaved, he was forced to live in the woods tending sheep alone. Only after these long 8 years of slavery did his relationship with God grow. He had to go through the hard times to have a great relationship with Him and to restore his trust in God.

I finally understood what I have to do. I have always had a belief in God. I believe in Him and I have faith in Him. I need to work on my trust of God. I need to trust Him without question. Children do this all the time. There is no question. They just trust Him and know that He will take care of them. That is what I need to work on...not my faith and belief but my trust in God.

Anyways, also since it is St. Patrick's Day... I booked my flight to Ireland today! Get excited! :)

Mass confusion.

Why do people never say what they think? I don't always say what I'm thinking...sometimes it is a good thing too, but why can't you say something to someone about their attitude without them getting angry or upset? If it is the truth and you have a legitimate reason for saying it then whats the problem? Yeah the truth hurts...but so do a lot of other things in life. I mean, it seems like as soon as you get something that you want, something else comes from left field and completely knocks you off course. So, why can't people just accept the truth? And why can't I tell it to them...